Slugs and snails
That may be the case but
I’ve had worse than you for my lunch
I’ll chew on your leg like a drumstick
your bones will be something to crunch
But think of the taste…
The flavour of snails, slugs and snot
will mingle with freshly picked earwax
and ruin your best cooking pot
Your concern for my diet is touching
but witches don’t care what they eat
I once slayed a manky old giant
and made bunion soup from his feet
But what about girl’s…
…girls like Gretel?
They’re made of sugar and spice
You really should eat her, she’s sweeter
and wholesome, and filling and nice
Thanks for the tip-off young Hansel,
a two-for-one meal deal won’t hurt.
I’ll gobble you up for my main course…
…your sister can be the dessert.
The House That Dad Built
Door frames – wonky
Roof tiles – shonky
It’s fair to say successes have been few
Floorboards – squeaky
Drainpipes – leaky
It doesn’t have the most inspiring view
The taps are topsy-turvy
The straight lines have gone all curvy
It won’t win a prize for minimal design
The garden’s got no flowers
but this little house of ours
is safe and warm and suits us all just fine
So the cupboards don’t quite shut
and yes, some corners have been cut
But our old man he made it on his own
And you know there’s no denyin’
that he’ll D.I.Y. just tryin’
to build us all a happy, humble home.
My Mum, The Pirate
…is a pirate
Which sounds like it should be 'such fun'.
But it’s not half as good as you’re thinking.
In fact it’s a pain in the bum.
At Christmas she gave me a parrot
(I’d clearly requested a dog)
And instead of roast turkey with stuffing
we had maggoty biscuits and grog.
She says I’m too young for a sailboat,
or a cutlass or anything cool.
I’ve given up hope of an eye-patch’til
the optician visits our school.
And as for the treasure and trinkets?
…plundering isn’t that great.
Mr Hussain down the sweet shop
won’t accept pieces of eight.
I wish she was boring and normal.
That would be better by far.
’Cos I’m tired of the scurvy and rickets
and her constantly going ‘Ar-arrrgh!’
So yes my mum is a pirate
And no it isn’t much fun.
There’s no point in being a pirate
if your ‘crew’ is also your son.
Poems ©2015 Jo Dearden
Images ©2015 Katherine Lynas