Our Dad was on a mission to get the housework done He said he’d do a proper job… …much better than our Mum He chose his weapons wisely Some Cif and Toilet Duck They’d come in very handy for a one man war on muck He fought the fusty front room with a cloud of scented spray And ran around in just his vest and yelled, “Yippee Ki Yay!” |
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Take a hold of your eye-stalks, it's true! We are also welcoming the fabulous JULIE ANNA DOUGLAS to The Funeverse!
Julie is a poet-in-residence at Gibshill Children's Centre AND she writes regularly for Amazing Kid's Magazine. She's also published by The Emma Press and in the deliciously hungry pages of The Caterpillar. We are super lucky to have her working 23 and a half hours a day writing poetry for The Funeverse! Just take a look at these poems by Julie... Job Description for The Big, Bad Wolf Wanted; A Wolf; Must be both bad and big, with a fondness for fear and a penchant for pig. Ideal candidate will be rough and tough, with strong, healthy lungs and plently of puff. Fur, eyes and teeth in tip-top condition? Excellent skills in house demolition? Quoting reference: 'Chinny-Chin-Chin,' just slide down the chimney and apply within! The Auntie Eater The Auntie Eater is an humungous, hideous, hungry beast who is always on the look out for an Auntie-flavoured feast. He spends his days slobbering, sneaking, sculking and stalking but couldn't keep up with Aunt Elsie when she was power walking. He crept up on Auntie Mary who whacked him with her brolley. Aunt Anne escaped just in time when he took a bite from her trolley. He frightened Auntie Aggie as she tried to sit and knit. Aunt Grace is too scared to go out (but she won't admit it.) The marauding monster's mayhem, shows no sign of stopping. He even popped onto Aunt May's lap-top when she was online shopping! But what this creature doesn't realise; this cowardly carbuncle, is that behind every annoyed Auntie there's a monster-slaying Uncle! Dragon for Hire! Dragon for hire. Comes with free fire. Perfect for barbecues. Skilled in smelting and marshmallow melting. What have you got to lose? Expert home heater and burglar eater. No job too big or too small. Clears snow with ease. Makes perfect grilled cheese. Go on- just give me a call. Findlay Sharkleston III Findlay Sharleston III Ocean Villain Extraordinaire may be deadly and terrifying but he's also dashing and debonair. Although the mere mention of his name creates chaos in Deep Blue Bay, he always bows politely to passers by, and tips his hat to wish them, 'Good Day.' When he lures his fresh ingredients to his lair to make Seafood Stew, he is awfully courteous and polite, greeting them with a, 'How do you do?' Even when searching for a midnight snack in Langoustine Lagoon, his dazzling smile and beautiful manners make the Lobster Ladies swoon. Eagle-eyed Sillynauts may have noticed that The Funeverse was looking for two new poets to add their brilliance to our ranks. After a great many entries and lots and lots of chin-stroking (and cake) we are very pleased to announce the first of our winners.
Please welcome JANET FOXLEY to The Funeverse! Janet is a super-powered writer whose fantastic Muncle Trogg books were widely praised. Janet won the 2010 Times / Chicken House Children's Fiction competition, shortlisted for a whole fistful of prizes AND was featured on the Richard and Judy book club! We are so so pleased she is now adding her words to The Funeverse Here are the poems which made us say YES! TIME FOR A SNACK As I was feeling like a snack I came across a multipack Of little fishes, pink and shiny, Tasty too – but sadly tiny. If I’m to last right through till supper I need a better filler-upper. A porpoise or a common seal Would do me till my next full meal. But failing those, I could do worse Than eat the writer of this verse. CARROTS I don’t eat yukky carrots, I just eat yummy cakes – The kind you get in cafés, The sort my mother makes. Today she’s made another one (she really loves to bake) And it tastes quite scrummilicious… What? You say “It’s Carrot Cake”? COSY, BUT… Under the hill near the apple tree Is a little home, with worms for tea. It’s cosy, not too cold or hot, The sort of place I like a lot. But – worms for tea? No, on the whole, I wouldn’t want to live with Mole. DON’T TELL MUM Today I met a monster And took him home with me. I hid him in my bedroom So my mother wouldn’t see. He’s sleeping in my cupboard now. My mother doesn’t know. I’ve wrapped him in a towel So his claws and tail don’t show. Mum reads a bedtime story – It’s sadly quite a bore – Then suddenly she stops and says ‘That sounded like a snore!’ ‘Oh that? It’s just my monster.’ Mum laughs. ‘How you pretend! I’m glad it’s just another Imaginary friend.’
Funny Poem © 2016 Em Lynas
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Is it because I look different to you? Or is it because I'm not sweet? Is it because I've a ring through my nose? Or because I have hooves and not feet? Is it because of my long pointy horns? Or because of my big furry head? Is it because I wear skulls on my tail? Or because I have skin like the dead? |
My whole life we'd kept a wild secret Our very own fam'ly black sheep See Dad's Dad was Cap'n Jack Scurvy Marauder of oceans so deep When Grandpa moved into our spare room Imagine the poor neighbours shock But scoundrels get older too, says Jack An' weigh down their anchors at dock |
KIDS!
We would absolutely
LOVE IT
if you added your own funny poems in the comments.
Especially if you are
A CHILD
WITH A FUNNYBONE!
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