 MONSTER STEW Mother Monster made a stew with all your favourite things, some earwax balls and eyeball goo, and slimy, bogey strings. She stirred in mould and toenail rot, then served with maggot rolls. You licked your lips and scoffed the lot, but why’d you eat her bowls?! Poem © 2014 Rebecca Colby Illustration © Loretta Schauer
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 I wish I'd never started. I'm certain there's no end. This never-ending ball of yarn will drive me round the bend. Thought I'd knit a simple scarf and that's where I went wrong. This never-ending ball of yarn goes on and on and on... I sat down as a young girl and now I'm Grandma's age. This never-ending ball of yarn has got me in a rage! It's clear I will remain here another 50-years. This never-ending ball of yarn is bringing me to tears. I've got 'woolies' of the brain. My hands are dry and chapped. The needles keep on poking me. My patience? Well, it's...SNAPPED! I know when I am beaten. This battle I won't win. This never-ending ball of yarn is going in the bin. Poem ©2014 Meagan Munroe Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer  illustration : ©Loretta Schauer Fairytale Rescue Services?
It's Myrtle, your favourite client. Our pumpkin coach has been overturned by a road-raging lump of a giant! We HAVE to get to the Glass Slipper Ball - Prince Charming's returned from his quest! And it's awfully cold in the Haunted Wood, Poor Berta's not wearing a vest ... WHAT! Call yourselves Fairytale Rescue?! I can hardly believe my own ears! "Halloween is your busiest time, you're tied up for the next hundred years?" BEEEEEEP! Hello? HELLLLOOOOO?! Fairytale ResCUE? They hung up on me, Berta! What on earth shall we DO? Just call a Troll, Mistress Myrtle, I really think that you should flag down a troll, Mistress Myrtle, to carry us safe through the wood! And WHAT IF the Troll's bad and hungry? WHAT IF the Troll's mad and mean? WHAT IF the Troll hurls us over the bridge, 'Cause we don't have Jack's Magic Bean? Oh, just trip-trap over there, Myrtle, and ask the nice Troll for a favour. I will not trip-trap over there, Berta. He might take his lunch Myrtle-flavour! Wait - maybe those three Goats can help us - they look so incredibly buff ... Oh yes! See! They're crossing the Troll Bridge - Hooray! It's the Billy Goats Gruff! Words © 2014 Lesley Moss Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer  Yes, the ogre captured us But don't be too alarmed He's not as scary as he seems and we have not been harmed You see, he's vegetarian! Whoever would have thought? He’s put us straight to work with all the other kids he's caught Behind his castle walls he has Kids keeping his house clean And kids to tend his veggie patch, the biggest ever seen We're both in the kitchen Where we cook the ogre's meal (That's why this SOS is on a scrap of onion peel) And herein lies our problem, see The ogre's diet's strange He only wants his onions and his tastes they never change His breakfast’s onion porridge, then there’s onion cake at ten If we get out we hope to never see onions again! The onion soup is okay And onion stew is fine... But onion ice-cream pudding? That is where we draw the line The castle's good in other ways It's warm and keeps us dry But all this chopping onions, could make a grown man cry Our fingers smell, our hair does too The stench clings to our clothes It’s like we’re walking round with sweaty socks shoved up our nose We long to slice some aubergines! Or bake some mushroom pies We'd gladly peel some sprouts to have a break from weeping eyes So know that we're alive and well We hope this calms your fears But please come get us soon because we're running out of tears! Poem ©2014 Laura Louise Stewart Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer  Did you hear that Troll, Doris? Did you hear what he said, With his, ‘Who’s that trip trapping right over my head?’ Did you hear him Doris? Shouting out in a mood, And you and me out walking, how dare he be rude? I’m going back Doris, I’ll be sweetness and light, But if that Troll complains, I shall put up a fight. Well come on then Doris, I’m so cross I could burst, I’ll watch your back, Doris. You can go first. Poem ©2014 Kathryn Evans Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer This month I decided to write some Haikus. Haikus are based on a Japanese form of poetry that doesn't rhyme and follows a pattern of syllables usually; Line 1: 5 syllables Line 2: 7 syllables Line 3: 5 syllables They are usually about nature and are not normally funny...
I was quite peckish, So I ate up all my tea. Then burped a human. 
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KIDS!
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