MONSTER STEW

Mother Monster made a stew
with all your favourite things,
some earwax balls and eyeball goo,
and slimy, bogey strings.

She stirred in mould and toenail rot,
then served with maggot rolls. 
You licked your lips and scoffed the lot, 
but why’d you eat her bowls?!

Poem © 2014 Rebecca Colby
Illustration © Loretta Schauer

I wish I'd never started.
I'm certain there's no end.
This never-ending ball of yarn
will drive me round the bend.

Thought I'd knit a simple scarf
and that's where I went wrong.
This never-ending ball of yarn
goes on and on and on...

I sat down as a young girl
and now I'm Grandma's age.
This never-ending ball of yarn
has got me in a rage!

It's clear I will remain here
another 50-years.
This never-ending ball of yarn
is bringing me to tears.

I've got 'woolies' of the brain.
My hands are dry and chapped.
The needles keep on poking me.
My patience? Well, it's...SNAPPED!

I know when I am beaten.
This battle I won't win.
This never-ending ball of yarn
is going in the bin.

Poem ©2014 Meagan Munroe
Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer

Fairytale Rescue Services?
It's Myrtle, your favourite client.
Our pumpkin coach has been overturned
by a road-raging lump of a giant!

We HAVE to get to the Glass Slipper Ball -
Prince Charming's returned from his quest!
And it's awfully cold in the Haunted Wood,
Poor Berta's not wearing a vest ...

WHAT! Call yourselves Fairytale Rescue?!
I can hardly believe my own ears!
"Halloween is your busiest time,
you're tied up for the next hundred years?"

BEEEEEEP!

Hello? HELLLLOOOOO?! Fairytale ResCUE?

They hung up on me, Berta!

What on earth shall we DO?

Just call a Troll, Mistress Myrtle,
I really think that you should
flag down a troll, Mistress Myrtle,
to carry us safe through the wood!

And WHAT IF the Troll's bad and hungry?
WHAT IF the Troll's mad and mean?
WHAT IF the Troll hurls us over the bridge,
'Cause we don't have Jack's Magic Bean?

Oh, just trip-trap over there, Myrtle,
and ask the nice Troll for a favour.
I will not trip-trap over there, Berta.
He might take his lunch Myrtle-flavour!

Wait - maybe those three Goats can help us - 
they look so incredibly buff ...
Oh yes! See! They're crossing the Troll Bridge -
Hooray! It's the Billy Goats Gruff!


Words © 2014 Lesley Moss
Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer

Yes, the ogre captured us
But don't be too alarmed
He's not as scary as he seems and we have not been harmed

You see, he's vegetarian!
Whoever would have thought?
He’s put us straight to work with all the other kids he's caught

Behind his castle walls he has
Kids keeping his house clean
And kids to tend his veggie patch, the biggest ever seen

We're both in the kitchen
Where we cook the ogre's meal
(That's why this SOS is on a scrap of onion peel)

And herein lies our problem, see
The ogre's diet's strange
He only wants his onions and his tastes they never change

His breakfast’s onion porridge, then
there’s onion cake at ten
If we get out we hope to never see onions again!

The onion soup is okay
And onion stew is fine...
But onion ice-cream pudding? That is where we draw the line

The castle's good in other ways
It's warm and keeps us dry
But all this chopping onions, could make a grown man cry

Our fingers smell, our hair does too
The stench clings to our clothes
It’s like we’re walking round with sweaty socks shoved up our nose

We long to slice some aubergines!
Or bake some mushroom pies
We'd gladly peel some sprouts to have a break from weeping eyes

So know that we're alive and well
We hope this calms your fears
But please come get us soon because we're running out of tears!

Poem ©2014 Laura Louise Stewart
Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer

Did you hear that Troll, Doris?
Did you hear what he said,
With his, ‘Who’s that trip trapping right over my head?’

Did you hear him Doris?
Shouting out in a mood,
And you and me out walking, how dare he be rude?

I’m going back Doris,
I’ll be sweetness and light,
But if that Troll complains, I shall put up a fight. 

Well come on then Doris,
I’m so cross I could burst,
I’ll watch your back, Doris. You can go first.

Poem ©2014 Kathryn Evans
Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer

I was quite peckish,
So I ate up all my tea.
Then burped a human.

Poem ©2014 Katherine Lynas
Illustration © 2014 Loretta Schauer