Lord Montague Herbert DeLacy Fitzroy
Had lived in his mansion since he was a boy.
It had twenty six bedrooms, a ballroom as well,
A block full of stables, a clock tower bell.
It had four poster beds, and its own indoor plumbing,
Its pillars and columns were really quite stunning.
But one thing it had that wasn’t so nice,
A large infestation of manor house mice.
Of even the fart of the very last mouse.
His father had tried, his grandfather too,
But they turned in their graves while the mouse family grew.
So Monty tried traps, he tried poison and cats,
Employed pest controllers and killers in caps.
But all attempts failed, and with bank balance shrinking,
Sir Monty now knew that he’d better start thinking.
And thinking he did, and came up with a thought,
His mice were not pests of the commonest sort.
Why for hundreds of years they had scavenged and fed,
On the very large crumbs of the very well bred.
Their tastes were refined, their palates discerning
No wonder the nasty trap bait they kept spurning!
So Monty determined he’d now try combining,
The very best traps with the best of fine dining.
Now Monty’s mouse traps were quickly refilled
With truffle and lobster and brie, lightly grilled.
His glue mats were spread with manuka tree honey,
Surrounded by sweetmeats and other things yummy.
A caviar trail led them up a high chute,
Where they’d fall and could drown in a chilled champagne flute!
And having thought through what each trap must entail
Sir Monty retired sure his plan would not fail.
When morning arrived Lord Monty arose.
He ran to the kitchen to quickly dispose
Of the little mouse corpses he thought would be waiting,
Fallen quite prey to his gourmet trap baiting.
But he stopped in his tracks as his eyes met the scene,
Each trap was quite empty, each mat licked quite clean.
A tiny mouse note on the table proclaimed,
‘Compliments to the chef we’ll be dining again!’
Funny Poem ©2017 George Kirk
Illustration © Nick Butterworth