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Mr Muscle by Jo Dearden

11/2/2017

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Our Dad was on a mission
to get the housework done
He said he’d do a proper job…
…much better than our Mum

He chose his weapons wisely
Some Cif and Toilet Duck
They’d come in very handy for 
a one man war on muck

He fought the fusty front room
with a cloud of scented spray
And ran around in just his vest
and yelled, “Yippee Ki Yay!”
Funny housework poem from the funeverse by Jo Dearden
He Windolened the mirror
​He told it, “I’ll be back…”

And, just for fun, he lobbed in
a grenade of Shake ’n’ Vac

Then deftly twirled the toilet brush
like Luke with his light sabre
(The bathroom was the Death Star
and the toilet was Darth Vader)

Dad said, “I’ll clean the oven then
before I make the beds”
Us kids all gasped in disbelief
and sadly shook our heads

The oven was a fearsome foe           
all caked in grease and grime
It hadn’t seen a Brillo Pad
since 1999

​And other horrors lurked inside
This monster liked to boast
of charcoal black detritus
from a thousand Sunday roasts

Dad grabbed the Mr Muscle…
it was no idle threat
“Stand back!” he yelled, “I’m goin’ in…
you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”

He scrubbed and rinsed and polished
The oven stood and took it
Dad scratched his head and said, 
“I’m gonna need a bigger bucket”

He called in reinforcements:
Domestos, Dettol, Flash
And after – oh – an hour or four,
the enemy was smashed!

By now Dad was exhausted
his hands were red and raw
When Mum came back he’d crumpled
in a heap upon the floor

“Not bad,” said Mum (she looked impressed)
but Dad was fast asleep

He didn’t hear her when she said,
“Same time again next week?”

Poem © 2017 Jo Dearden
​Image © 2017 Nick Butterworth
Funny housework poem from the funeverse by Jo Dearden
Illustration © 2017 Nick Butterworth
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