Funny Poem © 2017 George Kirk
Poem © 2017 Janet Foxley
Illustration © 2017 Eric Heyman
The theme of our Halloween party this year,
Was the best and most horrible yet,
The invites said 'Come as the thing you most fear,
Or the grossest thing that you can get',
So I went to Fred Foxwell's Fantastical Shop,
'Cause he has all that's weird, mad and scary
And asked him to find me the worst outfit there,
The costume most wild, bad and hairy.
has toys and games galorium
stacked ceiling high to floorium
You won’t believe your eyes!
With treasures to explorium
such pleasures lie in storium
we’re sure that you’ll adorium
Why don’t you step inside…
Lord Montague Herbert DeLacy Fitzroy
Had lived in his mansion since he was a boy.
It had twenty six bedrooms, a ballroom as well,
A block full of stables, a clock tower bell.
It had four poster beds, and its own indoor plumbing,
Its pillars and columns were really quite stunning.
But one thing it had that wasn’t so nice,
A large infestation of manor house mice.
Our Dad was on a mission
to get the housework done
He said he’d do a proper job…
…much better than our Mum
He chose his weapons wisely
Some Cif and Toilet Duck
They’d come in very handy for
a one man war on muck
He fought the fusty front room
with a cloud of scented spray
And ran around in just his vest
and yelled, “Yippee Ki Yay!”
I thought I’d woken up at dawn
but apparently I’d just been born.
I’d only planned to walk and eat
as I waddled off on tiny feet.
I slipped, I slid, and then I fell
and looking back I saw my shell
all broken up upon my nest
and then I knew I’d never rest
until I fixed it up again.
falls, then another, and and off I go...
I slip, I stutter, I flutter my wings.
The world is full of freezing things.
I slide - I glide - I spin on my toes,
I lift my wings and strike a pose.
In the stillness, silence grows.
The Astounding Mouse-ecco,
Who dove in Prosecco,
Prepared for his most daring dive.
The bubbles, he claimed,
Were more soft than Champagne.
Twas the secret for how he survived.
But alas on this day,
He'd forgotten to pay,
And his glass was filled up with plain water.
He was still unaware,
As he dove with great flare.
Now his act is performed by his daughter.
Poem © 2017 Mo O'Hara
Illustration © 2017 Nick Butterworth
Julie is a poet-in-residence at Gibshill Children's Centre AND she writes regularly for Amazing Kid's Magazine. She's also published by The Emma Press and in the deliciously hungry pages of The Caterpillar. We are super lucky to have her working 23 and a half hours a day writing poetry for The Funeverse!
Just take a look at these poems by Julie...
Job Description for The Big, Bad Wolf
Wanted; A Wolf;
Must be both bad and big,
with a fondness for fear
and a penchant for pig.
will be rough and tough,
with strong, healthy lungs
and plently of puff.
Fur, eyes and teeth
in tip-top condition?
in house demolition?
just slide down the chimney
and apply within!
The Auntie Eater
The Auntie Eater is an humungous,
hideous, hungry beast
who is always on the look out
for an Auntie-flavoured feast.
He spends his days slobbering,
sneaking, sculking and stalking
but couldn't keep up with Aunt Elsie
when she was power walking.
He crept up on Auntie Mary
who whacked him with her brolley.
Aunt Anne escaped just in time
when he took a bite from her trolley.
He frightened Auntie Aggie
as she tried to sit and knit.
Aunt Grace is too scared to go out
(but she won't admit it.)
The marauding monster's mayhem,
shows no sign of stopping.
He even popped onto Aunt May's lap-top
when she was online shopping!
But what this creature doesn't realise;
this cowardly carbuncle,
is that behind every annoyed Auntie
there's a monster-slaying Uncle!
Dragon for Hire!
Dragon for hire.
Comes with free fire.
Perfect for barbecues.
Skilled in smelting
and marshmallow melting.
What have you got to lose?
Expert home heater
and burglar eater.
No job too big or too small.
Clears snow with ease.
Makes perfect grilled cheese.
Go on- just give me a call.
Findlay Sharkleston III
Findlay Sharleston III
Ocean Villain Extraordinaire
may be deadly and terrifying
but he's also dashing and debonair.
Although the mere mention of his name
creates chaos in Deep Blue Bay,
he always bows politely to passers by,
and tips his hat to wish them, 'Good Day.'
When he lures his fresh ingredients
to his lair to make Seafood Stew,
he is awfully courteous and polite,
greeting them with a, 'How do you do?'
Even when searching for a midnight snack
in Langoustine Lagoon,
his dazzling smile and beautiful manners
make the Lobster Ladies swoon.
Please welcome JANET FOXLEY to The Funeverse!
Janet is a super-powered writer whose fantastic Muncle Trogg books were widely praised. Janet won the 2010 Times / Chicken House Children's Fiction competition, shortlisted for a whole fistful of prizes AND was featured on the Richard and Judy book club! We are so so pleased she is now adding her words to The Funeverse
Here are the poems which made us say YES!
TIME FOR A SNACK
As I was feeling like a snack
I came across a multipack
Of little fishes, pink and shiny,
Tasty too – but sadly tiny.
If I’m to last right through till supper
I need a better filler-upper.
A porpoise or a common seal
Would do me till my next full meal.
But failing those, I could do worse
Than eat the writer of this verse.
I don’t eat yukky carrots,
I just eat yummy cakes –
The kind you get in cafés,
The sort my mother makes.
Today she’s made another one
(she really loves to bake)
And it tastes quite scrummilicious…
What? You say “It’s Carrot Cake”?
Under the hill near the apple tree
Is a little home, with worms for tea.
It’s cosy, not too cold or hot,
The sort of place I like a lot.
But – worms for tea? No, on the whole,
I wouldn’t want to live with Mole.
DON’T TELL MUM
Today I met a monster
And took him home with me.
I hid him in my bedroom
So my mother wouldn’t see.
He’s sleeping in my cupboard now.
My mother doesn’t know.
I’ve wrapped him in a towel
So his claws and tail don’t show.
Mum reads a bedtime story –
It’s sadly quite a bore –
Then suddenly she stops and says
‘That sounded like a snore!’
‘Oh that? It’s just my monster.’
Mum laughs. ‘How you pretend!
I’m glad it’s just another
Poem © 2016 Em Lynas
Illustration © 2016 Steven Henry
Halloween robes, boots, and britches!
We'll sew spells so smart
from our Which Costume Book:
just pin, pick and mix
to conjure your look.
We would absolutely
if you added your own funny poems in the comments.
Especially if you are
WITH A FUNNYBONE!
has shared his images to inspire our funny poets!
Poets and tags
Bridget Strevens Marzo
Julie Anna Douglas
Katherine Lynas (ill)
Katherine Lynas (poet)
Tag Fairy Tales
Tag The Weather
Tag Witches Wizards